A Nod to Napping (And Overcoming the Shame of Rest)

One of the things I have kept hidden about my daily life is the amount of napping that I do.

I've honestly been embarrassed about it.

I'll joke with others when it's discovered that I napped that day - "oh, isn't it lovely I had time for that?!" - as if it were some sort of luxury I allowed myself, some sort of fancy self-care like a decadent chocolate bar I devoured in the middle of the day.

In truth, I nap nearly every day (maybe 5 out of the 7 days in a week). I frequently wish that I didn't.

I sleep 6-8 hours a night. I nap 40-70 minutes in the day. And I recently realized that I unconsciously arrange my days so that I have a 2-hr span every afternoon for those naps. If my schedule prohibits that, I wake with anxiety. I've done this for DECADES.

Until recently, I didn't associate this need for flexibility with sleep, however. I never planned to nap - it just happened in that "me time" I'd set aside in the day. (Consciously admitting, even to myself, that I was planning to nap would add to my anxiety. How lazy of me*!)

And then, *bam*.

A label. A diagnosis-ish. Fibromyalgia. An excuse. A reason. I still don't know.

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My self-judgment screams of the pressure of a society that values productivity above all else.

My worries reflect a life where those values have been absorbed, without question. (Until the past few years.)

My anxiety arises because those values, held alongside the reality of mental and often physical exhaustion, decrease my sense of self-worth. (Not productive = not worthy.)

Is this fucked up? YES. Alas, knowing that it is so doesn't relieve me of the reality that my body and mind still cling to.

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In the past, since I couldn't change "society", I tried to change myself. Sleep less, be more productive in my waking hours, or at the very least, hide the fact that I'm not as productive as I might appear.

But I couldn't. Less sleep didn't work. More productivity just made me more exhausted. And hiding the napping? Well, I'm OVER that.

Is this exhaustion due to Fibromyalgia and my body's response to an often unconscious (often conscious) discomfort I'm feeling all over?

Is this exhaustion due to stress (of a pandemic, of past traumas that haven't been resolved, of sending my children back to school in person after a year and a half and knowing THEIR stress about it all, of masks or finances or body image issues or....)?

Yes (maybe?). And yes, yes, yes, and yes. But it isn't due to laziness.

(Know what my critic voice just sneered? "Really? A stay-at-home mom of teens who sleeps during the day? That is the epitome of laziness. Might as well put on a talk show and eat your bon-bons and give up any hopes of achieving anything in life" I share this because I'm not alone in these inner voices, and I think they are important to recognize as we all share the struggles and joys of our stories. And because my inner voice can be a bitch and she needs called out on that.)

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I'm beginning a book on Fibromyalgia and fatigue, hoping to find some practices I've not already tried. (And those I'm willing to try. Sorry, my morning coffee isn't getting cut.)

But my most difficult practice will be the dance between self-acceptance and change. Honestly, this is the most difficult practice for most of us.

Accepting where you are and who you are without any sense of rejection. Knowing that you are changing and playing an active role in that change - creating who you want to be through your thoughts, diet, consumption, actions, interactions... Change and accept, change and accept, exhale and inhale.

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Here's to rest, whenever we may find it ....