No Pretty Title

I'm feeling deep in the chaos of life, and this writing will reflect those feelings. I'm going to be honest - I don't have a pretty theme for you this week. And I have no pretty title....

I could fake it for you. But nobody wants that.

I could pre-write a whole bunch of posts to avoid this sort of thing. I might do that at some point, and publish them if they still feel relevant. But I'm not there yet. Each post is currently written week-by-week, and thus reflects what is most heavily on my mind (or lost in the chaos of it).

I could share with you something completely irrelevant to my own life, something that will get shares and clicks and likes. But that isn't what BeingBreath is about. 

I'm here to encourage you to tell your story, day in and day out, to express who you are and what you are feeling whether it looks sexy or ugly or plain or indescribably complex.

I'm not much one for compartmentalizing, either, pretending I'm only a blogger or writer on this side of the screen or that you are only a reader on that side of the screen. Our lives are much richer than that. Let's honor that.

Let me lead by example. 

***

I'm a mom to two kids who just finished their school year, and who are now at home for the summer. I'm a "stay-at-home" mom (though I still don't resonate with that label), so I take responsibility for the activities, meals, growth, and well-being of my kiddos, as well as a good majority of the mundane tasks around the home.

I'm a woman who craves some degree of world work: i.e. sharing my thoughts and creative ventures in order to effect some sort of change in the world, no matter how small.

And I feel like I'm half-assing it all.

I feel like I'm failing. (Not that I'm a failure, which would be far more concerning....just that I'm failing.)

I haven't signed my kids up for any camps this summer, even though they've mentioned interest.  

I have dozens of un-watched online courses for which I signed up, countless unread books lining my shelves, and a project to-do list that would overwhelm the most productive of homeowners.

And with BeingBreath? I haven't felt like playing the Facebook algorithm game (and only a hundred or so people out of over 3K followers see the posts because of this), I'm not ahead on these posts so that I may appear well-prepared and articulate each week, and I haven't done a single thing to "market" to potentially new community members. By all accounts, I'm failing at growing and maintaining a sustainable business / community. And I don't see this changing, especially as I spend more time with my family over the summer months.

***

Interestingly enough, while I acknowledge that I feel as though I'm failing, I don't feel upset by this. 

I feel like I'm sitting in the grandstands, watching myself dance in between all of these activities and noticing the struggle. And I - observer I - am just thinking, "interesting".

But I'm simultaneously the dancer, feeling and embodying that very struggle. 

***

We all face challenges in our day-to-day lives. And we all ask the question, "What do I do about it?"

Maybe it is some form of mid-life crisis. Maybe it is the political and social state of the nation in which I (we) live - and how that influences the conversations I see online and hear offline each day. Maybe it is having a teen and pre-teen who are challenging me in ways I never imagined. Maybe it is the ongoing stress of not being able to choose ONE path and feeling successful at it. Maybe it is all of that.

Whatever the challenges, there is no right nor wrong answer. I think we spend far too much time searching for an answer, believing that there IS a right answer if only we could just find it.

There's a right way to parent, a right way to divide time between work and home, a right way to clean and organize, a right way to contribute to society. By definition, then, there are multiple wrong ways. 

You and I search constantly for the right ways, and we exhaust ourselves doing so.

Instead of just exploring with curiosity, noting the consequences, and repeating, I (and maybe you?) pull along with me the unbelievable weight of never-quite-right.

***

This is where I am. 

I actually enjoy being here, steeping myself in self-awareness and making conscious choice after choice in my mundane life that honors that awareness.

It makes it difficult to write something pretty, though.

So here it is - the mess of life.