Who I Am
Such simple words that are providing something for me to follow these days. Lost as I am (but yet, not lost at all), I feel like a bat. I repeat, "It's not what I do, It's Who I Am", throwing the vibrations out into the universe. They bounce off of all of those obstacles in the way and come back to me...showing a clear path through the fears and shoulds and buts.
Through all of this, still struggling as is my nature to do, I wonder "what now"? The words that always came before were answers of what to Do. Go paint! Read! Play with the kids! Redesign the website! Get an Etsy shop up! Make Money -- be somebody!
I have lived 32 years of my life trying to answer the question, "what should I do"? Even in creating my "ideal life/day" - which is a very powerful visionary process - I laid out clear instructions for what I wanted to be Doing with my days.
I figured, as do most, that by doing something I would feel something. Hence, I think about what I want to be doing first and assume I'll feel pleasure from doing that.
I want to offer credit where credit is due: The seeds for this particular thought-plant's growth were planted by the Firestarter Sessions and Danielle LaPorte, Kelly Rae's Flying Lessons class, and Connie's Art Journal lovin. I will take credit for the growth that has occurred - through my own reflection, painting, yoga, so on and so on - but those women provided a seed, the soil, and the fertilizing words that birthed this baby. And YOU - each and every one of you who have followed, commented, or silently sent out your energy in response to my blog and posts are providing the sunlight without which all of this would cease to exist.
As the kids and I work our way through these summer days with no one to hold us accountable for our actions, we have to discuss together how our hours will develop. After my letting go of certain fears and expectations and judgments, I am as lost...or as found?...as the kids are. With no rights or wrongs of how to go about the days or get my vocation developed or keep my body fit, I find myself longing for answers to the question What Should I Do?
Ah - but that question no longer serves me. I have archived it, along with all of the pages of answers that once served to guide me. The question I now long to answer is How Do I Want to Feel? My emotions are far more connected to my inner soul than are my thoughts - the latter have been polluted by shoulds and fears and have-to's for many years. My female instinct, the goddess's singing, that divine intuition doesn't speak in logical terms.
This is only the continuation of a drawn-out beginning to a fascinating journey, one I hope you will continue to take with me.