Depression's Older Sister

For the month of September, I am committing to creating one piece of content every single day. It will usually be written, but may also be a video, photo, or audio file.

Whatever form it takes, it is my practice of mindfully creating the life I want to be living and - through sharing this practice - my invitation and permission for you to do the same.

Photo by Kreated Media on Unsplash

It is a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in this broken world.

- Mary Oliver

As stated above, I’m renewing my commitment to creating. It’s never too late. After all, you and I are creating the day we are having through the very thoughts we are having right now. We’re creating the hours, the weeks, the memories and forgotten moments one “now” after another.

This concept has felt increasingly important over the past few weeks and months as around the world, but especially here in the states, Covid and its long-lasting effects drift on. Racism and its deep-reaching effects march on.

The Poetic Version

Like many of you, I’m feeling the weight of it all.

I’ve come to recognize it as depression’s older sister.

Depression is a very real, very serious condition. It carries with it feelings of hopelessness, drifting, not caring about things (even those things that used to bring delight), along with so much else. If you suspect you might be depressed, please reach out for help from someone trained to do so. Your life is so precious and important, and too valuable for you to suffer through it.

I’ve been diagnosed with depression before, and this isn’t that. That’s why I refer to this as the older sis.

She’s wiser, comes with more experience. She is deeper in her meaning, broader in her reach. She has an energy that is collectively shared. And while she looks and feels a lot like depression, she brings something more to the meeting.

She invites you into yourself. She holds your hand while you slump on the couch, unmotivated to do much of anything. She keeps you here because she has a purpose. She needs you to rest and not rush forward. She asks you to do work that can’t be seen on the outside.

She acknowledges that you have felt so much recently but - as is her unforgiving nature - she asks you to feel more. She doesn’t do this to be cruel. She is the knowing, the journey-woman that has accompanied millions throughout time.

She knows you’ve only scratched the surface of your self-knowing, of those feelings you keep pushing aside, and she demands that you keep breaking down those barriers of shoulds and expectations and shame. She is destruction, darkness. She is intimately familiar with what is needed for her to let go of your hand … and she will not do so until you’ve traveled with her.

That life you were living before she came along? It wasn’t sustainable. It wasn’t sustainable for you, nor for us. It was a life of some comforts, but far too much ignorance.

Remember that depression’s older sister is wise. She is in an intimate relationship with creation.

She reminds you that your self-awareness is self-empowerment.

Like a caring mother that still pisses you off in the moment, she reminds you that this slowing down and breaking down of what you knew is for your own good. For all of our own good.

Once she releases your hand, she passes it over to creation. And the two of you then play and dance and feel and stumble and create over and over. Dirty dishes, conversations with your partner, thoughts (and more thoughts), reports or Facebook posts or protest signs or texts or meals…you create.

The trick? Your hand will be given over once more. Darkness, rest, stillness, self-exploration, emotional heaviness - it all goes hand-in-hand with creation, light, emotional lightness, relation with others.

Together they dance. Together, you dance.

Each and every moment.

You must learn not to cling to one hand or another, nor to reject one hand or the other. Walk with equanimity with destruction and creation, through rain and sunshine, feeling the inhale and the exhale.

The Straight-forward-ish Version:

I’m feeling like shit a lot of the time now. It isn’t depression, but it carries the same stuff - anxiety, lack of direction, lack of motivation, etc. I know a lot of other people are feeling this as well.

Everything seems to be falling apart (relationships, economy, environment, illusions of what you thought was “ok in the world”, illusions of what you thought your own life path was…).

It wasn’t actually together in the first place, though. We had just been ignoring the deeper stuff, the invisible-some-of-the-time stuff, in ongoing pursuits of comfort.

We are being called to let it fall apart AND to FOCUS ON WHAT WE ARE CREATING. We need more of that energy in our lives, the inspiration that comes from some acceptance of where we are and idea of where we want to go.

(No “returning to some new normal” or “making something great again” because that. wasn’t. working. No rejecting what is because it feels too dark or hateful. No pretending that if you close your eyes, it’ll all be ok. Breathe, breathe again, go deep, create. It’s time, beyond time, that you take responsibility for what you are creating in this world.)

With self-awareness comes self-care, and through self-care comes self-empowerment.

Know thyself and you’ll be driven to care for thyself. With care comes energy, with energy comes empowerment.

You gotta start right here, in this moment, with this breath. You can’t create a minute ago and you can’t create a minute from now. You can only engage with this moment.

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Each day, a little more of this.

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May my practices and my sharing be of benefit to you.