Highlights from Jessica’s Conversation

Tell me about your youth. Where did you grow up, and what lessons do you remember being taught that influenced your life?

I grew up in a small town in North, Northwest Missouri, near Kansas City. Real small town. And my parents still live in the same house that I was born in. They've been there since 1976. I grew up in a really loving family. My parents are still together. They got married in 1968 and they really emphasized service.

I think the most important thing that happened in my youth was getting to go to a magnet school in Kansas City. My high school was modeled specifically after the high school in FAME. It was called the Paseo Academy of the Visual and Performing Arts. And you had to audition to get in. I had so many opportunities to build my voice and my artistic passions. Had a lot of really cool opportunities, specifically around singing. And that's where I really developed my singing voice, which ended up getting me a full ride to college.

What societal or cultural expectations do you feel challenged by in your current life? What are the “shoulds” you feel in daily life?

I think I was in my 20s when I first started noticing that people who are particularly made up, if they miss a day of makeup, how everyone is suddenly like, oh, wow, are you okay? Are you ill? And I started thinking I've got to put this mask on every day if I don't want people to look at me like that. I didn't particularly love being dolled up as a kid.

I was sort of tomboyish. That's what we would have called it. My mom forced me to fix my hair when my little girlfriends were begging their parents to let them get their ears pierced or to wear makeup. My mom was not letting me leave the house without earrings and blush at a minimum. So I have a lot of feelings about physical appearance and artifice.

I remember, again, childhood, being forced to dress up or get really dolled up to go to church. I still remember as my mom's hurting me, curling my hair. Why do we have to curl our hair and put on these stupid dresses? Well, to show God respect. And I just remember thinking, does God care what we're wearing? Now, I do understand the roots in white supremacy about what is proper or what shows respect. So I guess the concept is you're putting some effort in to your external appearance. But I still remember being seven and being like, does it not matter what's happening in my heart or with my behavior? Because what I'm hearing is that what's really important is what we look like. And that did play out with observing people in my church doing and saying some vile things, but looking real nice while doing it. That was kind of a start for me of just observing and like, okay. I think I'm more concerned with how I behave toward other people than how other people see what I look like.

It's just sort of like stopping wearing an underwire bra. I actually cannot. I cannot anymore. I'm a large chested person. I sure like what it looks like when I wear an underwire bra, but it hurts so much.

What do you think that trying to meet other people’s expectations has kept you from doing in life?

Everything. I mean, it started to keep me from everything.

Having it drilled in our heads there's a certain way to do things. There's a right way and a wrong way. And some of this is conditioning as girls or as a cisgendered woman about pleasing other people. I mean, at 46, I am still noticing when I realize I'm invested in what someone thinks about me, who shouldn't matter, who doesn't matter. And that is probably my biggest work for myself in this unraveling, because the things that I've done in my life that have been shaped by other people's desires, other people's expectations. It's almost everything. 

I got married. I got married to the wrong person. He's a great ex-husband, good dad. But I stayed in a marriage for 17 years that was slowly killing me. It was not happy for me. I was meeting every other person's expectations…Spending almost 20 years with someone who seemed right because of everything that I had been taught about what's right and what's good did so much damage. And I felt stunted. I didn't sing or listen to music for over 10 years.

If you could immediately release yourself from three shoulds in your life without any negative consequences, what would those be?

I actually think I have managed to, through a combination of working so many hours that I don't have that many left and spending the last three years as a relative hermit.  I'm not sure I actually have anything that I need to release like that. 

What practices have you done in your past and what practices are you doing now that have helped you to become more aware of the expectations and should that exist for you?

My practice has been active, aggressive avoidance until I'm forced to face the consequences of whatever I've been avoiding.

I'm in therapy. That is helping. I've been diagnosed with complex PTSD. So I've done some EMDR and a lot of trauma work. I do rely on therapy and a couple of really deep friendships to help me get through. 

What practices are you doing in a way that feels aligned with how you want to be living but might be in conflict to your own and others expectations?

It took me a little while to feel open about sharing how I got started in voice work, which was dirty stuff. It was love at first moan. I am not joking when I say that finding Gone Wild Audio on Reddit changed my life, led to me getting a divorce that I had needed for many years, led to me becoming a professional audio book narrator with over 80 books recorded now. None of that would have happened if I hadn't gotten into the dirty stuff. And it turns out I was really good at it and I love it. Which is such a reason to celebrate.

If you imagine a life where you were living with complete support, not just for who you are but for the exploration of who you are and who you are becoming, what does that look like and what does that feel like?

It looks a lot like what I'm doing right now, but with me actively pushing myself slightly to go out in the world and interact with people who are not just colleagues or clients. I'm not used to peopling. I could do it for work all day long, but I think I would largely do what I'm doing now with a little more balance between work and play and rest.  It makes me feel happy to realize that there's not much I would change.

Is there anything else that you want to impart from your life wisdom to those struggling with the weight of shoulds and attempts to be freely and authentically themselves?

I know that it's scary.

Whether you're starting out with a full face of makeup and the heels and stockings. I'm never going to wear stockings ever again in my entire life as well as heels. But I think many people are more entrenched than I ever was. And I know it's really scary. So maybe taking one thing: today I'm not going to wear mascara. See if the sky falls. See how you feel. Are your eyes less irritated? Or maybe you just really love your mascara because it does wonders. And maybe just thinking about the balance of just the time and effort and expense and all of that that you take to do these things. Are they feeding you? And are they worth it? And for some people, that answer may be yes. For me, it wasn't. 

Bonus Questions

What song or songs do you listen to that make you feel powerful and free?

I don't listen to music still very much, which is weird because I love to sing.  What did I sing last night? That pink song, Glitter in the Air. Have you ever fed a lover with just your hand, close your eyes and trusted, just trusted. I love to sing that one.

Listening, it would be something from my youth like Tori Amos or Fiona Apple. Oh my gosh. Indigo Girls.

Describe an outfit that would make you feel all the ways you want to feel

Just anything that I feel comfortable in. Comfort.

(If you have one) What is a favorite quote of yours?

Quotes by Richard Bach have stuck with me. He wrote Illusions. “So, are you for your limitations? Sure enough, they're yours”, which is so true.

Random Notable Quotes

• As I'm getting older and recognizing how much of white supremacy is tied up in propriety and politeness. And so it's taken me a long time to realize that those were values that my parents said, you will behave this way. And anyone who doesn't behave this way is not okay. But those are, therein lie the roots of white supremacy. So it's been an uncomfortable process to sort of shed that, but important.

• I think I was in my 20s when I sort of slowly stopped wearing any form of cosmetics because I would rather people think I look tired and grim every day than to feel like I've got to keep up this mask if I don't want people to see the real me.

• I don't think I'd ever really distilled it or really thought that specifically about what I've always done, but I have always been a performer, performatively meeting people's expectations. And that is my goal for my forties is to stop it. 

• There's that whole other expectation too, that we are letting somebody down, that being a whole other white girl, good girl, nicety thing.