Highlights from Janelle’s Conversation

Tell me about your youth. Where did you grow up, and what lessons do you remember being taught that influenced your life?

I grew up in Bremen, Indiana, which is Northern Indiana. My parents were both in the education system. So it was very much a town where you had to keep up appearances. And especially being a teacher's kid, you had to be perfect, perfect grades, perfect attendance. 

Along with being perfect at everything, one of the things that got stuck in my head was that I needed to get a boyfriend and keep a hold of that person. So I got engaged as a senior in high school. I was with my first husband - dating and married - for 17 years.

What societal or cultural expectations do you feel challenged by in your current life? What are the “shoulds” you feel in daily life?

One of the big ones that I experience is choosing to stay single. I've had two 10 year plus marriages and I don't want to do it anymore, but society isn't really built for single adult females.

Being in the solo polyamory lifestyle. In social situations and work situations, people talk about their families and I'm saying, Oh, you know, my one partner does this and I do this with the other partner. And I just act like it's normal, because it is. But I feel like people don't know what to say.  And even solo polyamory is different than other types of polyamory because I don't want to have a nesting partner. I don't want to get married. I don't want to combine finances.

I don't want to live with anybody. I want my own space. I don't want to be anybody's primary partner either because I've had enough time in relationships, taking care of other people's emotions.

What do you think that trying to meet other people’s expectations has kept you from doing in life?

I wanted to look a certain way and I was more self-conscious about being a person in a larger body. I've always been bigger, you know, health problems have made it more so this year. So I've tried to really get out of my own way. This is the body that I have and I'm going to do the most that I can with it.

This especially came about with me getting sick from mold exposure at work and I couldn't do as much stuff. I didn't have enough spoons in the day to get everything done and I had to come to terms with my house is going to be cluttered and the dishes are going to sit in the sink.

My kid has ADHD. And one of the things, one of the symptoms is object permanence. So if something's not out, we don't have it. So a lot of stuff sits out. I've had to come to terms with that. That's just how my house is going to be right now.

Wearing a bra. I hate wearing a bra. I only wear a bra when it benefits the outfit or I go to work because there are dudes at work that stare at my boobs.

If you could immediately release yourself from three shoulds in your life without any negative consequences, what would those be?

I would want to release myself from trying to control or manipulate how people feel about me. And I'm a big control person. You know, I'm a project manager. I am in charge of everything in my house. I'm responsible for everything. And I know I can't control what people think, but I can, I have in the past tried to put forth an image to make me look a certain way. 

It would be really nice if I could release the worry about the amount of control government has over what's happening in my life and how I take my kid to the doctor and who I can marry or not marry or if I can even vote. 

What practices have you done in your past and what practices are you doing now that have helped you to become more aware of the expectations and should that exist for you?

Every time I go through a big life change, I read the book, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I have so many notes in that, in that book, getting rid of the pain body, so many great gems, like, is that so? So I just remember that book or reread it. What issues am I having with a certain thing? And is it so?

I also like to get tarot readings.

When I did my sustainability masters, it was through St. Mary of the Woods college.… Three times a day, we'd have some kind of a ritual. We would walk a labyrinth or we would do a painting, do a meditation and then do a painting of it. I really love to do that kind of stuff when I need guidance.

What practices are you doing in a way that feels aligned with how you want to be living but might be in conflict to your own and others expectations?

I think the solo polyamory practice has been a big cultural shift for my family. My sister and her husband are very conservative Christian and my mom has accepted it, but they are less likely to ever ask me about any of my partners. So that's been a little bit of a strain, but I just find community.

I find community on Instagram, TikTok with my partners….my polycule is a Venn diagram of D&D, witches, and web programmers.

I took a year after my second husband died. He was hard to live with. He had some addiction issues that were more stemming from an addictive personality than an actual addiction to some one thing. …I don't really know how I came across this, but I heard about solo polyamory. So it took me a while to realize that I was okay with essentially staying single, but having multiple meaningful relationships. And really it took away the biggest fear I had, which was jealousy. I don't have to compare myself to anybody else because one person doesn't have to check all boxes. 

If you imagine a life where you were living with complete support, not just for who you are but for the exploration of who you are and who you are becoming, what does that look like and what does that feel like?

For one thing I would be my own boss. What I envision for my perfect lifestyle would be filling up my calendar with relationship coaching clients, specializing in polyamorous relationships and people going back into dating after long relationships and having to figure out what they really need instead of what they had before - just going after the same thing. I would love to create a lot of offerings online and maybe be a digital nomad with my home base here in Bloomington because I love this place.

I would just wear caftans and jewelry and no shoes and no bra and just be on a beach doing my work.

Is there anything else that you want to impart from your life wisdom to those struggling with the weight of shoulds and attempts to be freely and authentically themselves?

Just go do it. What's the worst that can happen? People will sort themselves out. I have no problem sitting at home by myself. If my own company is better than some fake friends … that's how I go into dating, too. I'm not measuring you against other people. I'm measuring you against my own personal peace. 

Bonus Questions

What song or songs do you listen to that make you feel powerful and free?

This is a deep cut but if you've ever heard of Leslie Hall and early 2000s YouTube fame - she had a song called Tight Pants/Body Rolls. Leslie Hall is an icon not only because she does great crafts, but she's very talented in her music and how she puts things together. She has some very interesting songs. 

Describe an outfit that would make you feel all the ways you want to feel

I think I have different outfits for different moods. At home, or if I'm gonna have a date at home, I want to be like comfy sexy. But in my work life, I feel like I like to push the edgy professional look - with my hair like this with my tattoos.

Ideal lifestyle, it would be caftans that didn't have any static clean. Free flowing.

(If you have one) What is a favorite quote of yours?

My favorite quote is a Rumi quote. I have the first part on my necklace. Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.  I've had to do that a couple times in my life and I'm sure I'll have to do it again. I just have to remind myself of that every time.

Follow and Connect with Janelle:

@janelleofcourse