Highlights of Brooke-Adrienne’s Conversation

Tell me about your youth. Where did you grow up, and what lessons do you remember being taught that influenced your life?

I grew up 45 minutes south of New Orleans…It's called Houma. Named after a tribe that lived there. My dad has been a judge for most of my life. ... My mother was the Dean of Nursing at multiple colleges and universities. And then taught nursing for about 30-something years. And was a pediatric ER nurse before that. So, both my parents are extremely educated. I was adopted when I was five months old. And I was their only adopted child. I went to Catholic school my whole life. 

They put me through etiquette school. I had to do the southern bell manners classes…your parents pay buckets and buckets of money for you to be exhibited. you strut around in a room where all of their old white friends are looking at you. my youth was full of watching a lot of that. 

I used to have people tell my parents that they shouldn't let me outside so much in the summer. Because they didn't want me to look too brown….People were disappointed in me for not being exactly like them. 

I think I learned that I was supposed to hide being weird. I adapted a mindset where I think I was trying to hide the parts of me that I thought were weird and unashamed. 

What societal or cultural expectations do you feel challenged by in your current life? What are the “shoulds” you feel in daily life?

I was supposed to go to law school. I Was. And I think that they're - like my dad would never say it. My mom would never say it they would never do that pressure, but like we had a plan carved out for me .

I have two bachelor's degrees that I don't use but I still talk about all the time because I think they're the only thing that gives me value..I personally don't feel like I've accomplished anything. So the expectations that I feel are the expectations that I put on myself.

I'm not skinny, untattooed, white, yada, yada like everyone else. I didn't want to embarrass my parents by being myself…I have to be this perfect extension of the family name, but they never expected that for me. It's just something that I created for myself.

What do you think that trying to meet other people’s expectations has kept you from doing in life?

I think it's kept me from being happy. Like I'm not happy. I have never been happy. I don't think I know what being happy feels like. I think I know how to pretend like I'm happy and I think I know how to be an extrovert. But I don't think I know how to be happy and I don't know how to relax. I've never taken one single step where my brain is not going a million miles an hour. There's never a day or a moment where I'm not thinking about “what if”. I do not know a life where I have no worries.

If you could immediately release yourself from three “shoulds” in your life without any negative consequences, what would those be?

I think I could have done college a lot better than I did undergrad, and I hold that against myself all the time. I think I would let that go.

I would stop wondering what would happen if I never left home, because I think about that every single day, like should I have not left? Like the what if I was already a practicing lawyer somewhere established in New Orleans that had connections with my family.

What practices have you done in your past and what practices are you doing now that have helped you to become more aware of the expectations and should that exist for you?

Part of it is just talking about it. Stuff that I've never ever brought up to like my own family before. Like I just said a little while ago that I called my dad and asked if he was proud of me.

Getting a dog. It sounds really silly, but getting a dog fixed everything in all the areas that I felt like I lacked the responsibility that I so desperately wanted to exhibit.

I also got sober. I stopped drinking, and that kind of helped a lot of things.

What practices are you doing in a way that feels aligned with how you want to be living but might be in conflict to your own and others expectations?

I take a lot of walks. 

I mentioned my dog as my lifeline because she is my lifeline, so I dedicate a good couple hours in the morning and a couple hours in the evening to just hanging out with my dog, and that's all I do. My dog is not holding any kind of societal pressure over me.

The deer are happy when I bring them corn, which is probably like illegal, so I don't know. I'm not bringing deer to corn. I've never fed a deer corn. I've never fed a deer corn out of my hand from the car window. I don't do that to make myself feel better. I've never done that, and I never will, but if I were to do that, I would say that the deer don't have any high expectations for me, and that the deer just hang out.

The things that are silly and surface level are the things that are going to give me an illusion of happiness.

I almost wore a shirt that just says, I deserve a little treat, because… everything I'm doing is a little treat to myself. A treat can be a deer, a treat can be a bird, a treat can be the chocolate mousse from blooming foods, a treat can be whatever you want it to be. I think that the concept of the little treat culture is something that I like a lot, because it's all just 20-somethings that are going through hell trying to avoid the fact that we all pretty much went to school and or graduated during a global pandemic, we're immediately thrown into the workforce, and we're left with nothing. I don't know a single person who's felt established and fulfilled. So we're all like, I deserve a little treat, and you know what, we do. Everyone deserves a little treat. You are thrown into this world that is already chaotic, and going “but what can you do except take a walk, touch a bird”.

If you imagine a life where you were living with complete support, not just for who you are but for the exploration of who you are and who you are becoming, what does that look like and what does that feel like?

You're out in the middle of either mid fall or early spring. It's still a little bit chilly in the morning and gets sunny in the evening.  Wherever you are, you open up your eyes and the grass is really soft and it isn't ever itchy and the sun is perfect and the sky is blue and there's not a cloud in sight. You can already smell jasmine and gardenia and everything is just wafting around you in these like beautiful swirls and you can almost see it because it's so strong. You look to your left and your right and you're surrounded by the people and things that you've grown to love. If you're a pet person, your pets there. My dog’s there. It's an endless field where I can throw a ball for her for as long as I want to. There's a crisp diet coke on the table and I sit down and I look around and it's everyone I've ever cared about. No one is unhappy - Not with me, not with themselves, just in general. 

I think that the closest thing I could feel to feeling happy is seeing the people that I love with no weight on their shoulders. 

There's just a peace and there's nothing I have to do, there's nothing they have to do, and we have all the time in the world to just sit and talk and In this perfect little space that I've created. There are no bugs because I'm not a big fan. You can feel the grass in between your toes - it almost feels wet it's so cold. You're barefoot and you're walking and you feel like the day could go on forever. No matter what time of the year it is, it's daylight savings time. So the sun is gonna be there for a long time. 

That day I wake up and open my eyes and I realize for the first time that there's no weight inside of me and that there's nothing that feels dark.

Is there anything else that you want to impart from your life wisdom to those struggling with the weight of shoulds and attempts to be freely and authentically themselves?

I'm actually just gonna repeat what I just said. And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.

Bonus Questions

What song or songs do you listen to that make you feel powerful and free?

I think it's by Trevor Hall. The song feels like a warm day with the windows down. It's just complete light-hearted - like you take a deep breath. There's even a line, “don't go to war with yourself, how are you gonna hold all that pain”.

If I feel sad and I want to feel sad, that's a different story. I'll listen to the entirety of Coldplay's Parachutes - the whole album, back to front, on vinyl.

Describe an outfit that would make you feel all the ways you want to feel

Anything that makes you feel like you're being hugged, like clothing that makes you feel like you're being hugged. 

My beat-up gross Birkenstock clogs that I will have to get rid of. And my glasses, because I always feel a little bit more comfortable when I don't have to put contacts in.

Barefoot. I'm always barefoot no matter what the temperature is.

(If you have one) What is a favorite quote of yours?

It is from John Steinbeck's East of Eden. Now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.

Random Notable Quotes

• I think that's kind of what my overall “what if “ is. Like what if I personally had made better choices. So I started making better choices, and … I still think about the what ifs every day. 

• I put myself in scenarios where I have to rely on me because I don't have any other options …. It's independence, but it's independence to my own detriment. Yes, I get to be independent, but also for what purpose? Why do I still need to do this to myself? 
  

• Sometimes there's such a beauty in being able to feel sad. As much as I talk about wanting to be happy, I kind of like being sad. It's familiar and It's safe because I know what that feels like. I'm not trying for anything else when I feel sad.