She/Her
Age: 40
Mom to 2. Preschool teacher. Mixed media artist. Sister & daughter.
Highlights of Britta’s Conversation
Tell me about your youth. Where did you grow up, and what lessons do you remember being taught that influenced your life?
I grew up in North Manchester. So, it's near Fort Wayne. Small-ish little town. I grew up in a community where our parents all went to the same school and were friends. So, I was friends with their kids. So, it was all kind of intermixed. Everybody knew everybody.
Like, I can envision my house growing up and just having a huge pile of shoes by the front door, because my mom would be like, yeah, come on over. Bring everybody. So, inclusivity and accepting and always room for more people. That's like at the core of my beliefs and being.
There's always snacks. There's always comfy pillows and blankets. That's how I want my home to feel like. That's how I want my energy to feel.
That there's always space.
What societal or cultural expectations do you feel challenged by in your current life? What are the “shoulds” you feel in daily life?
How I should handle relationships, how I should handle grief. How I should handle being a mom or being a woman. All of those are pretty big shoulds for me right now.
Trying to navigate what that looks like for me without taking anybody else's perspective, opinions, feelings, shoulds into my life. Because for a long time, I shoulded a lot. I really cared what other people thought and how I felt like I should be doing things. And that has changed drastically in the last six months. I'm not given a flip about what other people think I should be doing or how I should be handling situations.
I've learned to discover when I leave my body and disassociate.So, finding that, like coming back into my body and wiggling my toes and wiggling my fingers… it's so important to be present and aware of how you're feeling and what your body needs.
You have to talk about your feelings and emotions so you don't hold it in and make you sick.
What do you think that trying to meet other people’s expectations has kept you from doing in life?
It has kept me from finding joy. It has kept me from finding my light. It has kept me from my creative self. Yeah. It's kept me from the authentic person that I want to be.
Four or six months ago, that was life. That was I thought this is it. This isn't going to change. This is how I'm going to feel. I am doing something wrong to make me feel this way. What am I doing wrong? What am I eating? What am I not exercising enough? Am I not drinking enough water? What am I doing to make me feel this way? And it wasn't me.
And now that I am not inviting those shoulds into my life, I can feel those things.
We're holding stories for each other. And sharing and sitting in space together.
When people say like, I'll be praying for you, which is not my language, which is fine. But I can translate it and say, thank you for holding space for me. Because that's a language that I can understand and hear and visualize
If you could immediately release yourself from three shoulds in your life without any negative consequences, what would those be?
I should grieve in a certain way. I'm holding that grief. That I should just let it go when I need to know it more. I need to sit and hold it and it's not something you can just let go.
That I should not take up space. That it's inconvenient for people and it's inconvenient to ask people for things and it's inconvenient to need help and it's inconvenient to take up space….Because I hold space for massive amounts of people. Infinite amounts of space for people all the time. So it shouldn't make me feel inconvenient to ask that of others.
With my creativity, is it's mine. And I don't care what other people think of it because it's mine. And I want to tell the stories. And I want to share the stories. And I want to be the story. What did I say? Story holder. And be able to express those stories through my art. Whether it's through collage or photography or words or watercolor. And I can do it all. And I don't have to be boxed as just a watercolor artist. Because there's space for it all. And it's my fucking space. And I have an infinite amount of space for that.
And of how my body should feel and look and act and function and move. And it's mine. It is no one else's body.
What practices have you done in your past and what practices are you doing now that have helped you to become more aware of the expectations and should that exist for you?
I am writing now. And taking pictures again. I’m a very very visual processor. A documentarian, If you will, like, that's how I hold on to spaces and memories and finding the sparkle moments.
I'm moving my body unafraid. I think because I was in that dark corner and so balled up, I was terrified to move and I would break. … and now I'm running and doing yoga and stretching and I am not afraid to break.
I've been lighting so many more candles and staging and using crystals, which I didn't do before. Like probably because I felt like I didn't have the permission to do that before because it's woo woo and it's weird and doesn't really work. And I could give two fucks if it works or not. I'm going to put salt in my damn windows. I'm going to sage my house
What practices are you doing in a way that feels aligned with how you want to be living but might be in conflict to your own and others expectations?
I did like with the photos and the writing and the crystals and the sage and the candles. I don't know if it works for anybody else and that I think is where I get stuck in the shoulds like will it if it was it works for Sarah and her friend down the street then maybe I should do it but no but I can take bits and pieces of what works for everybody else.
At the core of who I am as a person and a mom is a massive thing - like I'm in charge of other people and growing and shaping them, but I hope that I am teaching them to figure out what works for them. I need to learn it for myself too, because for so long I was trying to step into this space of what other people thought I should do and how other people thought I should heal and grow and hold things it doesn't work that way at all
If you imagine a life where you were living with complete support, not just for who you are but for the exploration of who you are and who you are becoming, what does that look like and what does that feel like?
I think it's right now. I think which is so it feels so odd to say because the last six months have just been shit but I think that moment is right now … totally accepting who I am discovering, who I am stepping into, what I am, what I can bring to situations and, what I can't and and knowing that it's okay that some things I can bring now and some things I'll have to bring later. Never in a thousand years that I thought I would say in this moment in my life like ever so honored to be here in this moment.
Is there anything else that you want to impart from your life wisdom to those struggling with the weight of shoulds and attempts to be freely and authentically themselves?
Open up space. You don't have to do it fast because fast can can create whiplash. I mean sometimes you don't have a choice. Sometimes you in those moments those big life-shifting moments you don't have a choice. But find that space and that light. It doesn't have to be constant - you can find those sparkle moments and you can realize those moments are just hard moments and not the entire day or life but … take up the space
Bonus Questions
What song or songs do you listen to that make you feel powerful and free?
Anything by Pink. But music in general can move and shift and create spaces. I think there's a music for any any time and space and energy, any emotion that you can hold.
Describe an outfit that would make you feel all the ways you want to feel
It's like in a greenhouse with a big cozy chair. You can smell the earth and it's raining or dark, like dim. I am in a tutu with Chucks on, and a white kind of tank and like a leather coat or army jacket or something. I just feel powerful with that jacket and the shoes and and sparkly and light with the tutu. I've walked there and I've passed other people and they can feel that energy.
(If you have one) What is a favorite quote of yours?
It’s in a Pink song: I am here, I’ve already seen the bottom, there’s nothing to fear.
The other one is I say a pretty extensive mantra to my kids before they go in the school and part of it I've kind of held on to is I am safe I am loved and I am not alone.
Random Notable Quotes
But I have to now constantly remind myself, I can take up space. I can take up space. I am allowed…
I find that that in these moments when I am not thinking about what I am saying and I am just speaking from my light and my intuition that generally the person in the room needs to hear it too. Because we are supposed to be in this space together.
It's like the this and moments. Like that you can hold space for something tragic and grief-filled and heavy and life-altering and I can hold space that I'm finding my light and my sparkle and joy and creativity like those can be in the same body.